Tigue O'Connor's Weblog

I recently started a rumor that my very best friend has crabs.  I’m not going to name names as to protect the innocent because, well, he actually is innocent.  I just thought it would be hilarious if I told everyone he knows that he contracted crabs (or pubic lice as it were).

This scenario started me on a path of self discovery because I immediately thought to myself, “What if one of my friends did have crabs? What would my/everyone’s reaction be?”  My initial reaction, I concluded, would most likely consist of pointing,laughing, all while quickly moving away from their general vicinity. Is this the most grown up or empathetic response?  Of course it isn’t, but then again, I wouldn’t be the one with “the crabs”  in this scenario (I will hence forth in this article refer to crabs as “the crabs” because of a conversation I had with my mother a few years ago. She said, and I quote, “I knew someone with ‘the crabs’ once.” I thought this was hysterical.  Why she refers to them as “the crabs” is still a mystery to me).

My next reaction, I decided, would be much more subdued. Once the laughter subsided, the next logical step (of course) would be to ask “How? How did this happen?” I assume if it was one of my friends they would immediately blame a toilet seat at a rest stop in Tallahassee, FL. As some of you may or may not know, it is possible to contract “the crabs” this way, but still highly unlikely. Upon discovering where they received a hefty dose of “the crabs,” I believe I would return once again to unabashed fits of laughter.

Embarrassment for the pubic lice plagued individual would probably be reaching its tomato faced boiling point around now, so it would be time to pull back and finally express a little dose of sympathy.  I would say something like, “Hey man, don’t worry about it. It could happen to anybody.” Then I would rattle off a list of STD’s that are much worse than “the crabs” in an effort to demonstrate to them that all in all, it’s not that big of a deal.

Now the hard part would be deciding whether to keep your friend’s secret. A good friend would not share something that could horribly damage another’s reputation. At the same time, you would need to consider how your friend got themselves into this situation to begin with.  Would a public shaming be beneficial to their future health? The answer is yes, yes it would. It would also be beneficial to the public at large to know there was a menace within their midst that was riddled with “the crabs.”

Initially, starting this unsubstantiated rumor was just something of a lark, but what it has taught me about myself is a gift greater than gold. Thank you nameless friend. Thank you.

(The nameless friend in this article is Jose-Luis Migoya.  He is 30 years old and lives in Miami, FL with his father.  What can I say, I’m a liar.)