Dear Freddy Kruegar,
Hey Bro, I know it’s been a hot minute since you last haunted one of my dreams, so I just wanted to see what was going on? How the hell are you? The last time I saw you in a nightmare, you held me down and sodomized me with your razor glove, while gently whispering in my ear “Call me Marty McFly.” That was sick man. Seriously. You’re a little demented, but that’s what I dig about you bro. You never cease to get the heart racing. Plus, I love “Back to the Future.” Love it! You get me, you really do.
Any-who, I know you’re a busy man, so lets just get down to brass tacks. I’m sure not too many people ask favors from you, being you’re a cursed demon of sorts that “allegedly” murdered small children whilst still living (you never had your day in court because of a lynch mob of parents that burned you and your house down, which is a travesty and wholly un-American), but I’m going for broke here. Since you’ve seemed to have moved on from me, could you possibly turn your attention to various Wall Street Banks and Investment Firms? I know that’s asking a lot. I mean, these companies employ lots of people, many of which don’t deserve a visit from your horribly disfigured face (which totes works for you my man, so don’t let the haters tell you otherwise).
I guess that means you’ll need me to be more specific. Hmmm…okay, well, basically if you could haunt & torment anyone on Wall Street that was implicit in the financial collapse of 2008, I think that’s a good starting point. Maybe do some research and look into Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, AIG, Citi Bank, and JP Morgan Chase. That’s a pretty good starting point. I’m not telling you how to do your job or anything. I know you’ve got the whole “scary” thing all locked up, but I’m just trying to be pro-active and helpful.
So Fred…can I call you Fred? Is that okay with you? We should be on a first name and/or nickname basis at this point. In an earlier nightmare you kept calling me Ms. Piggy while giggling and jiggling my belly, which didn’t do too much for my self-confidence, if we’re being honest with each other. It hurt Fred. There, I said it. Phew! I feel better. That took a lot of courage to say to you. My therapist said it’s better when I confront the issue head on because it gives people closure. She was right. Go ahead and consider yourself forgiven. It’s not like I could stay mad at you anyway you big lug.
At this point you’re probably wondering why I’ve come to you for this. You see, it’s been over three years since the financial collapse, and do you know how many bankers/investors/Wall Street fat cats that caused this mess have been punished and/or prosecuted? That’s right Fred, a big ole fat Zero. Nil, none, zilch, zip. So, because the usual avenues of social justice seem to be closed due to an overwhelming lack of caring, I decided to reach out to you, my old friend Fred. Is it weird that I consider you a friend? Can we be friends? Please…?
All I ask is that you consider what I’ve proposed. I honestly think you would enjoy it. Can you imagine the look on Lloyd Blankfein’s face when you show up in his dream? LOL! I’m sure he would pee his pants. Oh, snap, can you do me a solid and take a little video on your iPhone for me? I’m sure we can get a trillion hits on YouTube if he actually wets himself. Maybe I’ll get you a t-shirt made that reads “I toyed with Lloyd” or something. That red striped sweater you’ve been sporting is a little dated. It’s not a criticism so much as it’s an observation. Anyway, please take this into consideration. It would mean a lot to me. It really would.
Oh, and in the interest of keeping things on the up-and-up between us, not that we have any secrets anyway because of your backstage access to my subconscious, but I have sent out similar letters to my friends the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, Xenu, Xena, Hercules, Zeus, Jesus, Jesus’ Dad, etc… Basically any character from fiction or folklore that I thought might be able to help. If you should see or talk to any of them, maybe see about teaming up. You could be like The Avengers. Which reminds me, I should probably write Robert Downey Jr. a letter. Not to help with this, per say. I just love his work. Love it! Don’t you? Of course you do. Everybody does.
Thanks for your time Fred. Words cannot express how much I appreciate your time and effort. See you in my dreams!
Love,
Tigue
